Oh, sweet Jesus! Sweet, Sweet Jesus.

I know I mentioned photos and details would be posted last Wednesday after my first workout, but Wednesday got away from me and then the next day I would have posted if I'd been able to a.) lift my arms enough to hold a camera, b.) type, and let's not forget c.) haul myself from my seated position to stand for pictures.

HO-LEE SHIT! This is going to be hard. So hard.

I made it to Berkeley with plenty of time to spare on Wednesday morning and sat outside Phoenix Gym, (nothing like sitting in a car across from somebody's house on a quiet street at 7:00am to make you feel like a complete stalker)  where I was to meet Dmitri for my assessment/orientation/personal training session prior to starting boot camp on Monday. As anyone who has started an exercise program knows, that first step is a hard one. Sitting in the car and psyching myself up to walk into some big unknown felt like its own little victory. Which was good, because the rest of the session was like my own personal hellfest.

I chose Phoenix Gym because I've read Kelly's blog for a while, and really liked her story (not sporty at all, not athletic or desiring to be so, never worked out, started running one day to try to lose some baby weight and lo, some 7 years later she's running her own gym), her approach (cupcakes are not the enemy, food is awesome, getting fit is better than getting skinny, working out is hard but rewarding and anyone can do it), and maybe most importantly, her humor and irreverance.  I figured that even though it's located in Berkeley, it may be a better fit for what I need to motivate me. That is somebody to push me, challenge me, pay attention to my form and progress, and throw a few f-words in there while making me laugh about it all.

Don't look like they're on day release from Satan, do they?

So, I met Dmitri while Kelly finished up the 6:30 bootcamp class and we started off with a gentle jog around the block as he asked me where I was at physically (ground zero), and told me a little about their setup. All was going well until he gradually started picking up the pace (while maintaining a conversation with me of course. My responses consisted mainly of panting). The gate back to the studio was then in view and as I go for it he tells me to sprint with him to the end of the block, all the while yelling at me to "keep up! keep up!". Um, yeah, not so much. Then when I reached the end of the block (a good half block behind him), he turns around and insists we jog back. Around this time I was plotting how long I could be polite before faking a heart attack and doing the only sprinting I would be happy to do, back to my car.

That was just the initial warmup as it turns out. From there, for the next hour he made me jump rope, get on a rowing machine, do push ups (yeah, good luck with that one Dmitri! Joke's on you!! It's nice and cool down here on the floor which I'm pressed to, and my arms can barely hold a pint glass steady, so thinking they can support my entire body weight will not fly. What do you mean, keep trying? AAAAAAAAAAGH. No. No. Do not want!), do things called a "push press" that involves lifting weights OVER MY HEAD AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN until my arms turned to quivering limbs and I prayed for the sweet embrace of death as the 8lb weights threatened to crush my skull, then some more weights stuff, then some kettle bell exercises, squats, lunges, sit-ups, sit-ups with weights, ab-curls, fetal position curls, ritualistic sacrifices and probably some other stuff as well (I've blocked a lot of it out in self-preservation).

After that, I filled in some paperwork (could barely hold the pen and I think I may have spelled my own name incorrectly), rambled incoherently about wanting to get fit, which class I'd like to take, and then stumbled out of there on very, very shaky legs with a chipper "See you Monday!!"

You could barely hear the evil cackling in my wake.

Let me say it again, THIS IS GOING TO BE HARD.